Today my stepmother picked a massive and unwarranted fight with my dad, saying all these things about me because she was randomly frustrated as hell.
I am the scapegoat, hear me roar.
Apparently she said to my father that she's "tired of his fucking child," that I "have no conscience" and some other things. And without reason, except that I didn't clean one part of the bathroom when no one told me to. (Though that's not really what this is about at all.)
It was good timing for a fight because Leo and Ruby got to endure the silent/awkward aftermath of it. *thumbs up*
I had a long discussion about it with my dad afterwards, who assured me that it wasn't my fault... and a bunch of other things. I don't know that I have the emotional energy to get into all the details all over again, but let's just say I keep hearing more and more things that sound like "divorce" to me. Which scares me, though not for the reasons you'd necessarily think.
And at the same time, there's this horrible, ugly, awful part of me that resents the last three years of my life, and Kendra for associated reasons. And that hideous part of me loves the idea of them splitting up so I can have my fucking space back.
I actually feel physically ill because of all this... :/ I've dealt with this crap for too long, and in more unhealthy ways than I've told a lot of people. I know my life isn't that bad compared to many, but then sometimes when I look at my peers who have such good family lives, I can't help wondering why *I'm* the one that's had to go through all this shit. My mother died, isn't that enough sadness for one person?
And then I realize I'm being selfish again. People lose things all the time. Things they love. And sometimes they have things taken from them. It's not fair. Life's not fair. That's the point- you learn to accept whatever you've been given and move on, finding happiness from within.
My mind is obviously in a conflict of its own.
I'm stuck in a cruel circle when it comes to Kendra. She's so often domineering, angry, and unaccepting (she hates almost everything I like; my tastes in music, fashion, TV, etc... which would be fine if she'd just at the very least not form these ridiculous judgements about them) and she takes out so many of these things on me because she feels helpless in getting to be in that stepmom-y place she wants to be in. And at the same time, I'm terrified of her because of how angry she is all the time. Hell if I'm going to let my guard down for her. I'm only human.
So it doesn't stop, I can't make it stop, I just have to live with it quietly and suffocate under the weight of this bizarre arrangement, and my own issues with myself and the people around me, and try to smile anyway, and oh god.
I'm holding my breath until I leave this house.
You have no idea how much I just want to exhale.
I am the scapegoat, hear me roar.
Apparently she said to my father that she's "tired of his fucking child," that I "have no conscience" and some other things. And without reason, except that I didn't clean one part of the bathroom when no one told me to. (Though that's not really what this is about at all.)
It was good timing for a fight because Leo and Ruby got to endure the silent/awkward aftermath of it. *thumbs up*
I had a long discussion about it with my dad afterwards, who assured me that it wasn't my fault... and a bunch of other things. I don't know that I have the emotional energy to get into all the details all over again, but let's just say I keep hearing more and more things that sound like "divorce" to me. Which scares me, though not for the reasons you'd necessarily think.
- +I'm scared my father will be depressed again
+I'm scared we might have to leave Sheffield, which would mean I might have to leave my friends... and Leo...
+I'm scared that I might not get to see Darcy anymore.
And at the same time, there's this horrible, ugly, awful part of me that resents the last three years of my life, and Kendra for associated reasons. And that hideous part of me loves the idea of them splitting up so I can have my fucking space back.
I actually feel physically ill because of all this... :/ I've dealt with this crap for too long, and in more unhealthy ways than I've told a lot of people. I know my life isn't that bad compared to many, but then sometimes when I look at my peers who have such good family lives, I can't help wondering why *I'm* the one that's had to go through all this shit. My mother died, isn't that enough sadness for one person?
And then I realize I'm being selfish again. People lose things all the time. Things they love. And sometimes they have things taken from them. It's not fair. Life's not fair. That's the point- you learn to accept whatever you've been given and move on, finding happiness from within.
My mind is obviously in a conflict of its own.
I'm stuck in a cruel circle when it comes to Kendra. She's so often domineering, angry, and unaccepting (she hates almost everything I like; my tastes in music, fashion, TV, etc... which would be fine if she'd just at the very least not form these ridiculous judgements about them) and she takes out so many of these things on me because she feels helpless in getting to be in that stepmom-y place she wants to be in. And at the same time, I'm terrified of her because of how angry she is all the time. Hell if I'm going to let my guard down for her. I'm only human.
So it doesn't stop, I can't make it stop, I just have to live with it quietly and suffocate under the weight of this bizarre arrangement, and my own issues with myself and the people around me, and try to smile anyway, and oh god.
I'm holding my breath until I leave this house.
You have no idea how much I just want to exhale.
vibe: 
distressed
distressedsound: Hello- Evanescence
7 | something strange