Log in

12 September 2012 @ 03:42 pm
Life is pretty good back at school, good classes, good roommates, new friends, etc etc.

I think I suffer from chronic don't-want-to-grow-up-itis, though. I think that's my main problem. Because seriously. Growing up. Fuck that...
27 July 2012 @ 01:21 pm
This summer has been amazing. I needed to come home. I needed to hang out with my friends and my dad and my sister and stepsister. I needed to be built up a little bit. I needed to relax.

I feel so much better than I did. My anxieties and phobias and all the things tormenting me were ways for me to take my mind off how my life was lacking love and support. Most of the people in my life can't possibly know how they are helping me heal.
17 March 2012 @ 03:08 am
some nights...you just sorta forget what's going to be a good idea and what isn't. it is obviously time for sleep so I can wake up and it'll be morning.
20 February 2012 @ 09:58 am
I am officially no longer a teenager as of today. Weeeeird.

I'm feeling kinda zen about it. Like, when I reflect on my teenage years and all the confusion that came with them, in a way I do sort of feel like I am leaving some of those things in the past. Obviously it's not like I woke up and I was like WOAH I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON, except I sort of am a different person.

I spent a lot of time learning and being conditioned to have some awful habits regarding the way I treat myself and see myself. I can be very self-loathing at times, the reasons for which I don't really want to get into. And that's not uncommon amongst a lot of the people in my life which is why there is a certain kind of sick normality about being so goddamned hard on myself. The thing for me has been learning to separate feelings of self-hate from the things that drive me to better myself. Learning that I really like who I am and it's okay to like who I am, and that striving to be better than that is a type of self-respect.

I didn't come to these conclusions alone although I don't talk about them that much. In reality the thing that has changed for me in the last year has been feeling more comfortable with making new friends and letting myself be more social. It's kind of frighteningly easy to become isolated in this world and the effects of that is more traumatizing than I ever gave much thought to.

Anyway...birthday ramblings...woww...so long story short I'm feeling pretty optimistic today. And if that fails, well, fuck. :P
07 February 2012 @ 01:22 pm
I'm turning 20 this month. I have this early memory of talking about how old I thought 20 was, when I was probably four or five, and my sister telling me I was stupid, and me insisting I wasn't, and her telling me when I'm 20 I'll see how it feels. So I guess now that's happening. xD Oh well.

(I don't feel old.)

My single girl valentine's day plays involve baking heart-shaped quinoa banana-cherry muffins and feeding them to my roommates. It will be glorious.

I want so very badly to explode into song while throwing paint all over the walls of an enclosed space while baking beautiful cakes and tap dancing to george gershwin and running and laughing and being weird and insane. Is that a good sign?
Current Mood: creativecreative
07 January 2012 @ 08:35 pm
You know what.....it's not okay to ask what size a person is. Or speculate about it out loud. It's just awkward. It makes everyone feel awkward. Unless you're a dressmaker or something and it's pertinent information.

Okay, world? Okay. Thanks.
28 December 2011 @ 03:19 pm
random stuff..

-Sometimes when a task is giving me anxiety before I've started it, I just have to stop thinking about it and remind myself that I can do it, I will do it, and things will work out somehow.

-Sometimes I just have to stop thinking about things.

-Sometimes a little stress is good. However, anxiety is not. When I get really anxious I need to remember to step back for a moment and figure out what I'm really feeling.

-I'm too worried about what other people are going to think sometimes. And in odd ways. I get worried I'll disappoint people because things I want are different than the things I think they want me to want. Which is dumb and I'm changing that. But I'm aware of it now which helps.

-Relaxing is as important to health as using up a lot of energy.

-It's okay to be assertive (not aggressive, mind you) and one of the most useful things to learn is how to state your needs clearly so people understand them. Even if, worst case scenario, those things are problematic for the other person, it's better to get them out in the open than to be overly-accommodating of someone else.
09 December 2011 @ 03:59 pm
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
umm...moved to the big city, figured out a lot of life stuff on my own, got a real restaurant job, etc. lots of stuff basically. haha

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm pretty sure I didn't make resolutions, but might this year. I haven't given it a ton of thought yet.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No...although I found out an old high school friend is preggers, if that kind of counts-ish. haha

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Granny Lou.

5. What countries did you visit?
I stayed put, although it doesn't feel like it since I moved around so much.

obligatory surveyageCollapse )
09 December 2011 @ 11:39 am
1. I found an apartment I'm going to move into in January. It's a beautiful room in a shared apartment with some kids who go to the Art Institute. They're all really nice and the I love the space...and I'm really looking forward to having my own personal room to occupy as opposed to occupying my aunt and uncle's space (haha.) I love living here but it's time for me to have my own place to be. So that's what I'm doing.

2. I am really, really ready for this semester to be done. Like really ready. Pretty much after Tuesday everything will be done but somehow it doesn't matter how much longer you've got, it's still going to drag on and on.

3. I am really excited to see my family. I'll be working during the holidays (which is fine, I need the money and Christmas doesn't hold the same deep meaning to me that it does for some people) but I'll be seeing my aunt, uncle and cousin during that time which is nice. I'm really happy I get to be with dad and Sarah though. Those visits can be pretty emotional but I've been realizing lately how I really want to reconnect with them.

So that's what's going on for me, in a tiny nutshell. Life is weird and crazy. I'm okay.
01 December 2011 @ 09:15 am
Big decision made today: wake up at 6:30 for class < not wake up at 6:30 for class.

My justification is that I still woke up at 8:30 for class, which is much more than I did yesterday, when my body just said "fuck it" and didn't want to move at all before 11. (All my classes are before then on Wednesdays.)

Um. Emo previous entries aside, I'm okay, although this whole thing has been harder than I would have anticipated. Today I'm feeling a little more even than I have been lately though. So maybe that's good. I don't know.

Missing my early class was a good decision though and I'm standing by that assessment. Any help I can get to keep the bits of my mental health relatively intact seems like a good idea right now.